i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
