3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
