Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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