News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
