Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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