dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
whose parrot is this?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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