Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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