the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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