Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
