he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
