my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
