i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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