you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Girls should come with a carfax report
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
