they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
