yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
