I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
