when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
