I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
