The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
