three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
