Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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