does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
