saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
