i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
