Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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