I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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