Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
