i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
