I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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