if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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