Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
