so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Are we still banned from the library?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
