Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
