I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
