...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Randomize
