Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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