his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
