She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
