3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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