I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
