If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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