I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
