I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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