i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
