I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
