he was CRYING into my vagina
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
