He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
