Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
