how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
