But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
