Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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