In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
