he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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