im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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