I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
where are my eyebrows?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
