Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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