it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
