Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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