Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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