i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
